Walking a mile in the shoes of a teenage mother.

 

I have had the privilege of becoming a mum way past my teenage years. I call it a privilege because there have been times in my parenting journey that have really tested me. And yet, because I have the benefit of access to information on how to deal, a support system and even of having watched others walk the journey before me, I have been able to handle them. 

My daughter is four years old now. The toddler years into age four, five are challenging years, for both children and parents. Kids this age test boundaries as part of their social and emotional development. And, as parents, we need to have the skills and knowledge to allow them grow and explore, while at the same time setting boundaries to keep them safe and disciplined. Easier said than done, I know!

I always enjoy the internet memes that refer to toddlers as one part feral, one part angel. These memes live on my timeline and in my head! They make a lot of sense; I can truly relate. Parenting is not easy. Parenting a toddler is a whole other ballgame. And this coming from someone at my “big age.”  

A lot of my working life I have spent dealing with issues around sexual and reproductive health. Issues of child marriage and teenage pregnancy are really close to my heart. Lately I have been reflecting on what it might feel like to be a mother of a toddler when you are 15 or 16. 

I have had to read a lot around toddlers; how to manage tantrums and how to balance gentle parenting with making sure I’m not enabling bad behaviour. 

So, I ask, how on earth does a teenager even manage that?

I have a great support system championed by my mum. She and my daughter are best of friends, and she and other family members willingly take her off my hands every now and again so that I can work, but also have space to re-charge and be the best version of myself for my daughter.

How many teenage mothers have this kind of support? From the moment they become pregnant they are shunned and judged being “loose girls”. Many are not as fortunate to have loving grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins on hand to support.

I get it wrong all the time but because I’m older I can retrace my footsteps and rethink my choices. I have the privilege of being able to bounce back and try harder and do better next time around. What does the teenage mum have?  More often than not, judgement, condemnation and arrogance. 

Teenagers in rural areas are more likely to get pregnant than those in urban areas and are most likely to be faced with financial challenges. Faced with a newly independent toddler who is testing her boundaries, in many cases an absent partner and the judgement of the whole village/town for her teenage pregnancy, what choices does this young mother have? 

We have read and heard the stories of young mothers who beat up their children and carry out other acts of  extreme cruelty.  Before we judge them we need to put ourselves in their situation for a minute. Walk a mile in their shoes, so to speak How is this girl even prepared to be a mother? In what universe is it okay for a child to be mothering a child? Do they have access to information and resources to support them to be a good mother? To understand that when a toddler is testing you it’s not because they are inherently bad; it is just part of them navigating growing up? 

Teenage mothers need our support. Financial support to help them provide for their children. Emotional and mental health support to help them navigate parenting. And yes, of course the information and resources on sexual and reproductive health to enable them to make informed decisions and avoid teenage pregnancy in the first place!

Written by Martha Songa