The delicate art of handling a toddler tantrum.

The other day my four-year-old spent almost all of the 45-minute drive to school saying over and over: “I don’t want to go to school!” Her response, when I asked why that was the case, was simply “that is not my school anymore.” Now this is a school she has gone to for the last two years; she loves Miss Melissa, Miss Shan and Miss Sharon, her teachers. And she enjoys playing with Jinea, Elishever, Malaika and Yivansh. (Duke is also mentioned, occasionally, but often in unfavourable terms) So I really wasn’t sure what to make of that declaration. I ignored her, thinking it would pass. But she wouldn’t stop, and when I tried to interject, her voice rose. Before I knew it, she was in full-on tantrum mode.

 Now the fact that she is four and hadn’t thrown a tantrum in ages took me by surprise. My child's self-control has improved a lot as she’s grown older; indeed  according to the experts,  tantrums begin to die down around age four. Perhaps it’s because she was missing our nanny who she was pretty close to and who had just left us to return to her family. Maybe it was a case of “one more for the road” as she moves towards the end of her toddler phase. I’m not sure.  Whatever the case, I was having a rather difficult morning and had ignored one of the golden rules of handling toddler tantrums which is keep calm!

  All set for the school run! 

According to information from   Mayo Clinic, a tantrum is basically a child expressing their  frustration  or anger about not getting their way.  Because young children have a limited vocabulary and  are therefore unable to always express their feelings, the resulting frustration may trigger an outburst, resulting in a temper tantrum.

Toddler tantrums can be wild. They will go from sweet and loving child, hugging you and telling you they love you, to wild and savage in an instant. Just  like a feral cat!

I can afford to write, and even joke about this now, but I wasn’t always this clued in. I have had to learn the long hard way just how NOT to deal with a tantrum.   Like many other parents, eager to set boundaries and raise a well-behaved child, my first instinct was always to establish my authority and gain control of the situation.  I thought if I made my voice heard over hers, I would get the situation under control.  Nope that never worked.  Imagine trying to herd cats. Make that a bunch of feral cats, that is the equivalent of one toddler tantrum at its worst.  So, I have learned to lean into the science.

Back to this particular tantrum. Once I realised my mistake I took a deep breath and somehow tuned out the loud, annoying and repetitive “I don't want to go to school” chorus (man, toddlers can be persistent!)  About 10 minutes before we got to her school, she suddenly remembered that Duke (one of the friends mentioned at the beginning) had refused to share his toy with her the day before. So, it was time to tell on Duke, and, before I knew it, we were talking about why it’s good for us to share.  We got to school; she got out of the car and with a wave she disappeared into the building.

Phew problem solved, I got to live another day as a conqueror of toddler tantrums!

Below, a few of my go-to strategies:

Stay calm. Responding with a raised voice l will likely make the child imitate your behaviour and raise theirs even more. Shouting at a child to calm down will only escalate the situation. I can't emphasise this enough. It’s not always easy to stay calm, especially when the child chooses to throw a tantrum at the most inopportune time when you have the weight of so many other things already sitting on you. Even then, and because of that, stay calm!

Don't change your mind

Giving in to the toddler’s demand will not help in the long term. If you've said no, do not change your mind and say yes just to end the tantrum. If you do so you send the message to the child that tantrums can get them what they want. 

Walk away but keep them in sight. If you're at home, try going into another room for a while, but keep an eye on the child. 

Intervene physically if the child starts to hit or kick, or tries to run into the street, stop them by holding them until they calm down.

Good luck to us toddler parents!

Written by Martha Songa